Still Cracked Open

February 9, 2012.

Where did the courage go? Where did all of the strength go? The strength that kept evil thoughts of the past at bay. Now all that’s left is a wimpy unguarded heart falling prey to past events ending with a bloody mess of things. So why must these feelings resurface? I beg again, where did all of the strength go? Memories of past pain from past people pull me into a sullen moment, where everything around me starts to go black and I can’t escape. I beat myself about it, I shouldn’t feel this way, I shouldn’t think about it. But thats the funny thing about the past I suppose, it sure does have a dark sense of humor. Hypocritically I preach about letting the past go, but I suppose tis easier said than done.

The past is back, fine: I’ll deal with it. Until it starts messing with my friend the present and my even better friend the future. That’s when I draw the line. That moment when the past distinctively interferes with my present happiness, my present relationships and my future ones does the livid fire rage from my pores. Tears aren’t enough to feel it, anger takes the place. Anger at myself, at the past, at those people who caused me so much pain… I’m left pretending I’m alright, I’m left saying I will fix it, tomorrow will be better, I’m just in a funk, I’ll be alright… will I be? Lies can’t cover it all forever. It’s time to woman up and confront the past, make the past understand that it’s not okay to mess with my friends. Close the door on the past, because it’s still cracked open.

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