What I Don't Wish For

March 22, 2012.

Oh how I wish I could be the way you are; letting your words of feelings slip so easily off of your lips into my ear. Oh how I yearn to be able to kiss you like you do me. Oh how I beg to utter the words I love you and mean them in a sense of eternity as you so willingly do. Oh how I wish I was able to accept your kindness and love for what it is towards me for I know that you speak whole and honest truth with your words, no lies are bred… nothing to simply get a good time. Wishing often turns out to be fatal.Wishing is hoping so deeply that the impossible we can’t accomplish ourselves will somehow come true. As I sit here and wish these things I know for now that are impossible, and maybe wishing won’t do a thing. One day I hope to say I love you and mean it when we are putting rings on each other’s fingers. One day I hope to recite beautiful love poetry to you, and that poetry be from my mouth to your ear. One day I hope to kiss you with the passion of a thousand universes. Most importantly I one day hope to accept the kindness you offer because it is far beyond greater than that which has ever been shown to me. I won’t allow myself to believe in love myself, I won’t let myself fall. I told myself that I must prove my independence to myself before I become dependent. Because as I have experienced before, letting your emotions be controlled by another is no way to live.

I wish that myself would make me hurry up with the independence. To get things straight inside. But until then my meaning in the words love are hanging on the coat rack lonely and dusty. I hate myself for it. Independence is coming and that’s not something that I wish for, because I know I can accomplish that… and that will one day lead me to be able to love. Again, something I do not wish for.

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