October 27, 2012

I normally have pretty interesting stories to tell. Not because I have a particularly interesting life, but that I make a big deal out of even the smallest of stories. Drama queen? Maybe. Expert storyteller? Indeed. Not to toot my own horn or anything.

Today was a typical boring Saturday. I don’t really have much free time so having a whole day of it to myself was an extra boring treat and I loved it. I cleaned and I cooked and I baked and I studied and I went to Wal*Mart.

I always dread going to Wal*Mart. Number 1, I hate how no matter how many things I say no to buying, I always end up spending a ridiculous amount of money on things I have convinced myself I actually need. Number 2, because there is not one single person on this earth who knows how to properly shop at Wal*Mart besides me! Again, not meaning to sound cocky but come on!

Rules of shopping at Wal*Mart:

1. If you have more than 20 items in your cart I sure as hell better not see you standing in the 20 items or less line!

2. Do NOT stop your cart in the middle of an aisle. What happens if you just stop your car in the middle of the highway? You will get hit by someone, and chances are that someone will be me because you are NOT supposed to stop in the middle of a major Wal*Mart aisle.

3. Walk into the store knowing what you want. I promise you, if you are taking longer than 10 seconds to pick out what kind of mac and cheese you want, there is a bigger issue at hand.

4. Please, don’t cut people off in the middle of the aisle. Remember that highway metaphor I made earlier? Yeah, it’s still applicable here.

5. While some people’s lives are just so pathetic that going to Wal*Mart becomes the family outing of the century, that doesn’t mean anyone else appreciates it. I promise you can do grocery shopping without your 5 kids, your husband, and your handicapped parents. TOO MANY PEOPLE.

6. I swear, if I see one more grown and able bodied man push his cart into the middle of the parking lot instead of walking 10 more steps to put it into a cart rack I am going to have a serious hissy fit. Excuse me sir, but uh, would you like to pay for the damages your laziness caused on my car?! Mmmhmmm. Didn’t think so.

7. The arrows on the parking lot lanes are not just there for fun. Going the opposite direction of what they say is not only idiotic on your part, but dangerous to everyone else around you. You wouldn’t see me driving the wrong way on a highway would you?! NO. Next time I will not be afraid to hit your ass. You should be punished for not having the basic human ability to follow the direction of arrows.

8. If your debit card is not working taking 10 minutes to swipe it over and over and over isn’t going to fix the problem. You need to go visit your bank so I can properly check out.

9. If can’t learn to control your 5 year old from running amuck in the store you do not deserve to go to Wal*Mart.

10. Stop looking in my cart. Just stop. I know my personal purchases are just so interesting to your obviously boring life, but please stick your nose in someone else’s cart.

Sigh… Wal*Mart.

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