When I was 13...

I remember when I was 13 years old. I couldn't wait to be 16. And I couldn't wait to be 19. And shoot, 21 seemed like a lifetime away. The world was huge and full of possibilities and there I was perusing every nick and cranny for what it is I was going to achieve. I could pick anything my little heart desired and back then I assumed it would just fall easily in my lap. 

Because back then, nothing seemed impossible. And my biggest worry was the first day of school or if my best friend would like the birthday gift I got her. 

Now everything seems impossible. My biggest worry is that I won't make anything of myself or I will end up in my death bed with nothing more to show than a husband and a few kids. 

So why is it that at 13 I couldn't wait to be to be 19? But now at 19 I would do anything to be 13 for one day again. To feel the innocence that comes with limited responsibilities and the ease of daydreaming all day without a real world to come back to. 

Why is it that the strain and constant panic that failure is imminent haunts me like my deepest regret? Why must I want something so terribly much? Why must that want be so far fetched? And why do I continue to fight for it every day knowing deep down I will never reach my goal? It's a sickening fate really. Draining myself with the constant fear I will end up in that death bed with nothing to show. 

For now I will keep on draining myself in hopes that one day the skies will clear and my hard work will pay off. But I wonder what day I will choose to give up? Because that day is inevitable right? How long can I fight until I must surrender? 

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