Annoyingly Anxious

Sometimes it comes when I least expect it.

Sometimes the room spins.

Sometimes I can't stand straight.

Words and sounds become a vicious blob of noise.

Every now and then I can't feel my fingers or my toes.

I can barely breathe.

My vision goes blurry.

I feel trapped.

My throat closes.

I begin to shake.

Nothing feels quite real or tangible.

Sometimes I even end up on the ground.

I'm standing from afar looking at myself lose it.

And sometimes I lose it for no reason at all, or at least it seems.

It's scary and it hurts and it makes me feel alone. Why can't I be like everyone else and control my emotions or feelings or mood or outlook? It makes me feel ashamed. And when the people I love are there for me to hold me when I sob and panic, I can't look them in the eye. I'm embarrassed. I am not deserving of their comfort. 

They all tell me it's ok. They all tell me nothing is going to hurt me. They all tell me I'm going to be fine. But in that moment when I can't breathe and the room is spinning and it feels that I may just drop dead at any moment, it doesn't feel like I'm going to be fine. Not even a little bit. Not at all. 


3 comments

  1. Wow this was incredibly well written, I suffer from anxiety too and I don't think I could ever put it into words the feeling of a panic attack like you did here, it really is like that... Keep strong lovely, there's no reason to be ashamed and please don't feel alone because you definitely aren't, millions of us are going through the same, never forget that! xxx

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment <3 It honestly made my day. It is comforting to know I'm not alone and I'm not crazy for going through this. It's been a struggle for me and I felt writing about it would help. Again, thanks for your comment! Means a lot

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    2. Last year was a big struggle for me too, everything seemed like a challenge... I'm way better now, comparing to last year but anxiety is still part of my life and I think it will be for a long time but things definitely get better and lighter. Thank you for answering my comment <3

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