For you

I wish you the best, I really do. Even after all the pain I felt and the haunting feeling you left for me. I'm not so kind or gentle or sweet to wish you the best even after all the shit you gave me. I'm not the bigger person here for saying this, but I loved you, so I hope you get all you need. I say this in kindness and general care, not to deter you for my own pleasure. But take the time you need, don't think of any girl or woman or any acts to do with them. Don't focus your energy and emotions on wooing them. Now is not a time for that. 

You have issues and problems like everyone else has been handed on the planet, but yours seemed to have sunk a bit deeper, and I'm sorry you have to experience that. But you have a choice when you are handed some tough shit to deal with. You can let it affect you. You can allow it to rear it's ugly head and dictate your feelings and relationships and the way you treat people. You can let it chew up and spit out so much of your past, that your future seems written in stone already. But it doesn't have to be that way. You can change it all. You can reject it and not allow it's powers to consume and control you. It doesn't have to dictate every move, and it doesn't have to manipulate you. 

But the only way to get it to stand down, is to fight. Fight against it, and fight for yourself. Don't let thoughts of other women and the chase consume you now, because you will lose every chase you begin. No doubt about it. You have too many deep rooted problems that are going to keep popping up and destroying everything you start to build with someone. So wait, don't chase or woo or build anything yet.

Fight for yourself first, before anything else. Because once you do, everything good and whole and right will fall into place just like it is meant to for you. Put yourself truly first. And spend every waking and sleeping moment doing everything you can to make yourself alright again. You will never be perfect, you will never rid your body of every demon that will try to destroy your chances at love. But if you spend the time and put in the effort to learn how to fight them off now, you have a real chance of having the future you so desire with the one you desperately long for deep down. 

So fight with all you have, for yourself. Put that first.